Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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