I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
