Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
