I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
