Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
