I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
