i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
