i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You need Xanax blowdarts
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
