Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
