well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
