Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
