cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
