This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
