apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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