You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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