My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
