Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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