Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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