I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
