getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
