I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
