I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
