Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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