I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
