i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
