her vagine was all disorganized.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
