Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
