So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
