I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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