yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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