i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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