Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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