Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize
