If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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