there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
