Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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