ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
So apparently I’m into choking now
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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