so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
