Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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