My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
