I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
