Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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