my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
