Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
