Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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