I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
