Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
