Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
