They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
