well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
