Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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