I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
